Saturday, June 25, 2011

But...

My health has been testing me. My soul is tired. Through my doctors eyes the unknown future is filled with optimism. My future seems to have an everlasting cloud overhead. I may have good days but my illness will be there. Forever. Looming overhead. Like the word "but" in a sentence. I was told once to never use the word in a sentence because it voids any thoughts, feelings, etc that appear prior to the word. My cloud being "but" and looming suggests that all good moments have a negative twist. All that aside I survive.

I'm struggling with not being a contributing member of society. I had a career that I loved. Working in a pharmacy I was helping people feel better. You come in at your most vulnerable state, you trust me, I make you smile. Briefly you forget about being sick, because of me. It was very rewarding. Such a twisted irony. When I went for my last I.V. I was so annoyed. I was in a mood and I wanted to be left alone. I was mad because I saw 3 Orencia patients bouncing around. I was mad "why doesn't it work for me"? The nurse was trying to make me laugh and I have to hand it to her she was hysterical. That just made me more mad because I wanted to sulk. That makes me think. Was I really making my patients happy or were they just to beat to care I was invading their feelings?

Joe says I am contributing because I am a mom and a wife. That's not enough. I'm done with resting all day to barely fit in QT when they both don't get home until 7. I want to work. I loved my job. I want my body to cooperate so I can not be the one who always needs the help. I didn't learn all I know about medications so I could help me. I did it so I could help you.

1 comment:

  1. All I can say is I understand. We lose so much of ourselves in the beginning of this journey. Just remember that this disease is NOT you. I like to compare the journey to Humpty Dumpty. He sat on the wall...fell off (getting the diagnoses of ra). For Humpty Dumpty, his men couldn't put him together again. BUT...you can put yourself back together again. It takes time, it takes patience and the ability to have faith in what you believe in and in yourself. Surround yourself with all things that make you strong, the make you smile, and that give you support to go on. And another comparison I like to envision is the butterfly. She starts out in a cacoon (the ra cacoon) but eventually finds herself transformed and does fly free.

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